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| Report: | This is the stuff of legends. A dominant, powerful, victorious, tall, band of warriors coming from a mythical land just south of Mogador, the mere mention of their name spreads fear through a team. Varsity, Varsity, Varsity they chant!!
A battle of epic underdog proportions, David vs Goliath, Tortoise vs Rabbit, Scissors vs Stone, Paper vs Scissors, The Crankies vs Cannon and Ball. It was do or die for Purely 5’s, time to stand up and be counted, dig deep and then dig deeper. To quote that memorable line from the film Top Gun ‘It’s the bottom of the 9th, the scores are tied and there’s all to play for’.
Indecision was rife amongst the team, who was playing? Who should play where? Who could beat who and how often? Toys were leaving the pram quicker then Nigerian kids leave home after Madonna’s been to visit. What was clear is that we needed a lot of points from this match to take the pressure off our last match and give us any chance of finishing above DLH. Nobody could argue that this was, by far, the most important match of our season.
Simon (WMD - Weapon of Minimal Destruction) Jackson and the man most under pressure to demonstrate his abilities and placing in the team, got the ball rolling with a 3-1 win over the formidable frame of Mats. His job was done, he could do no more…other than poke fun at his teammates and rile them up (no change there!). Chris ‘I beat Ryan 3-0 last time’ Parkinson continued in a very different, but not unusual, vein losing 3-0. Maybe next week will see him carried aloft on his teammates shoulders if he can win a match this season.
Fresh from a motivational talk from Simon ‘I told you so’, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about’, ‘Go on then lets see what YOU are made of’. Shane had the daunting task of facing Niels, a player with a reputation of taking no prisoners. It looked liked he had locked Shane up and thrown away the key beating him 9-0 in the first. Following a change of rackets Shane re-entered the arena and instantly went for con the 'prison officer', beating Niels 3-1. All that was left to do was retire to the shower block and play a game of drop the soap!
Meanwhile, Terry ‘Solid Gold Banker’ Perrerrieirria was having a monumental battle at 5. Keen to make amends for last week Terry started badly losing the first 2 games. But you can’t keep a good man down, by old skool tenacity and resilience, not seen since WW2, were you there Terry? he pulled the next 3 back and as the dust settled the realisation set in that we had won the match. Not only had we got our ‘at best’ 6 points we had picked up a minimum of 13!
Mark ‘Markus’ Ames had the challenge of putting the cherry on the cake. Rarely seen in bakers was the cheering and clapping that followed every good shot from Markus. The mixture wasn’t right in the first two batches and left Markus 2-0 down, this was going to be one tough cherry to get. James was going through strings quicker than Julian Clary goes through ...leather trousers. 3 different rackets in 3 different games unsettled James enough for Markus to pounce and by battling and chasing everything he won the cherry and popped it neatly on top of the cake.
I have to say that the atmosphere last night was electric, the gallery were vocal and vibrant and it was good to put on a show in front of a reasonable size audience. Matches were won that had previously been thought impossible, the two 3-2 comebacks were amazing and taking Varsity, who had turned up with, by no means, a weakened side was an inspiring achievement. Thanks should go to, not only, the 5 players that played but also the 2 that didn’t without their sacrifice, humility and dedication to the greater good we would still be fighting now (maybe you are with single recipient e-mails?!)
We have a new found buoyancy and are working well as a team, unfortunately it is the end of the season!!
Can we keep this motivation going into the summer?
Can we fit 7 players into 4 slots?
Can the banter be maintained over the break?
So many if’s and but’s. I say leave the if’s to Markus, he is the captain….leave the butt’s to Justin, he’ll have to kiss some to get in the side! (sorry Justin – black eye coming my way).
On the way home Shane was telling me that his other racket was stung tighter by a couple of psi…sorry for dozing off on the drive home Shane, must have been the excitement zzzz!
And
I recall an old Northern saying: "There's nowt as queer as folk" meaning that as long as people are invilved in 'something' strange things can happen. The Purley 5 v Varsity 3 was a fine example of this. How can a team languishing in the dregs of Div6 completely outclass the newly-crowned Champions? It was as if Man Utd journeyed to the Stadium of Light and received a thorough pasting 4-1 from Sunderland!!
And Utd. didnt rest Rooney, or Ferdinand, or even Giggs - they all played albeit poorly. Instead it was Darren Bent, Kenwyn Jones, Steed Malbranque and Kieron Richardson that stole the headlines. Truly amazing - yet equally as puzzling!?
But in true Purley fashion there had to be drama before the victory was sealed. And the cause of this drama? About 3 weeks of tension as the uncertainty of fate strapped its' burdonsome load to our backs. And what a heavy load it was to carry! I've been witness to it more than most...
...At 6.45 I had the honour of partnering Simon in our doubles match (I use the term 'honour' in the same way an Aussie would when meeting the Queen). He hacked at everything - there were loose shots, tins all over the place and general headless chicken squash. But our opponents made the error of playing more and more to him. Gradually that tension eased out of his game and after our win we came off court to see the Varsity team walking down the corridor.
Hopes of a "4 man turnout" were soon dashed as I counted each of Guildford's answer to the Harlem Globetrotters when they walked by. With an average height of 7'4" it was going to be a tall order to beat them.
To make matters worse there was only one unfamiliar face...only one change from the side that humiliated us 19-1 several months ago (I got the 1).
SJ was quick to realise that, having played, the best idea was to get on court asap. A wise choice. His eye was in and he was already loosened up after "playing with Ray and Raj". As Mats struggled to get going SJ took full advantage utilizing the deadly lunge counter-drop to excellent effect. The result was inevitable. Good performance from SJ and 2 wins on the bounce will lift him from 'slightly pleased' to 'smug'. I have decided to call him Flash Jackson for his ability to reach difficult drops without actually running.
As Flashs' game was coming to an end CP was already disappointing us on Ct4. But I did notice something that epitomises our season (thus far). CP was actually wearing sensible squash shoes, and even a headband. And in a way he had become more professional in his attitude and approach - this is true in all of us brothers and we're a much better team than at the start of the season. CP was unlucky coming up against the very promising youngster and never had a look-in. Parkinson's disease set in during the last game - two serves went out...tut...tut. 3-4
TP stepped onto ct.3 next with the elusive Varsity 5th string that loved to whack it on the forehand (arf arf) and produced an array of tricky shots and crisp drops from mid-court. TP was baffled as to what he needed to do. As he lost the 1st game I turned attention to ct.4 to watch SM start his match.
I wish I hadn't. It was a dreadful start - his first 3 returns of serve were like that 90s band....tin, tin, out. Pure tension. Before I had chance to remember tin-tin out's big hit (Here's Where the Story Ends originally by The Sundays) he had lost 0-9.
News from Ct 2 was more depressing as TP was down 0-2 in games. "Use your fitness Terry" shouted a concerned Toby Kent. Terry looked up "Fitness"? he said. I quipped "I think he meant stamina". I went to get a beer and have a fag (ooeerr). We were 3-7 down. I began to convince myself that grandad squash in Div 7 might not be so bad after all.
After extinguishing my much deserved cancer stick I received what I thought was a static shock when I opened the door to the club. I now know it was actually a "glitch in the Matrix" and the machines that control our lives in the real world (Matrix fans will know what I mean) decided upon a different outcome to the evening. Because, as I made my way to the viewing gallery I was informed that TP was now 1-2 down and Shane was now level - after the 1st game Flash and I mocked the way he paced frantically from side to side on the court, with his head down. "he needs to uncage the beast" said Flash. I just thought he looked like a lunatic with a phobia of mincemeat discovering Shepherd's Pie was for dinner.
But I was wrong. The beast had been uncaged in the 2nd game and brick-by-brick he knocked down Neils. And the same was true on Ct3. TP had established himself into the match and undoubtedly saved a few blushes as he won 3-2. Well done TP for digging deep and finding the treasure - 3 pts!
Moments later it was Shane's turn for glory - a great result and another 3pts as well as an extra 4 bonus pts for badness and a team win. Hoorah!!
Marcus stepped on court like a greedy, selfish tennis-playing Aussie that enjoyed winding-up squashplayers by wearing tennis clothes, using a 'tennis-looking' squash racket and ofcourse, worst of all, playing tennis shots that actually worked on a squash court. Marcus played to his strengths using the famous volley drop to great effect. He chopped down his opponent who lived up to his name James Quickfall - he indeed fell quickly. Solid performance from Captain Australia and perhaps the best of the night.
Suggested team v Sutton:
1) Vimal
2) Scott
3) Vince
4) Ray Rook
5) Dennis
Here's where the story ends!!!
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